Chapter 19: Secrets and Lies
Severus was quite drained from making the Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa about the plan of killing Dumbledore. He didn't even tell Rosie about it but he knew she thought he was lying about his mission. A stab of guilt pierced his gut about his secret that he kept from her. Then he thought maybe keeping the secret he kept from her would keep her safe. If she was in on it, it would bring danger along. He couldn't bear letting anything happen to her; it would literally kill him internally.
He apparated back to his study and saw Rosie sitting at the desk, brushing her hair. She looked a little distracted like she wasn't paying attention to her hair. Her pretty emerald eyes looked far away and were full of tears. For what, though? Tears of pain, of fear, of joy? What?
To answer his questions, he went up to her, lifted her up in his arms, and then placed her in his lap when he sat down. She rested her tired head on his chest and began crying some more. He rested his hands on her back and began caressing her back. He held her tenderly and tightly so she'd feel comfort in his embrace.
"Rosie, love," he said in a soft tone that he only used on her, "what's wrong?"
"Severus," she whimpered, "I'm sorry, but…I-I-I'm pregnant; you're the father of course." She winced like she was expecting him to hit her.
He let it sink in that he would become a father soon and then looked at his sobbing wife. Gently he rested a hand on her back and felt his heart soar. "I'm going to be a father," he said full of pride. "A father. When did you find out?"
"I-I missed a period a-and I began suffering morning sickness. Poppy did a check-up on me and I became pregnant. Are you mad?" She ducked her head.
Severus, too overwhelmed to speak, lifted her face up and kissed her lips soundly. His arms wrapped her waist gingerly and he held her tightly. Her trembling stopped and she relaxed into the kiss. Their lips moved across each other and stayed soft and passionate. Her shaking hands moved to his shoulders and she pressed herself up against him. Their breath came out jagged and rough and they eyed each other with intensity. No words needed to be spoken as they embraced each other.
"Don't worry," said Severus. "Together we will be a family. Do you know the gender?"
"No," she said, starting to smile the first time that morning. "If it's a girl, I'll name her Lily and if he's a boy, I'll name him Severus." Her smile finally spread.
Severus pressed his forehead to hers and they gazed into each other's eyes. So many thoughts and emotions went through their minds and eyes. This was an intimate way they could talk without people knowing. Severus realized these kinds of moments were the ones he would remember forever even after death. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that he would have to die to keep Lily Potter's son safe and maybe that was for the best because she would have a hysteric attack. Right now, this was their moment of eternity and love.
….
The next morning, Rosie awoke with Severus gone and her mind flew to the time. Summoning her clock over, she checked the time and it was thirty minutes to noon. Rosie shot up and pulled her night robe on, thanking God it was still the summer vacation. She touched her stomach and still couldn't believe something was growing in there. Rosie looked out the window to the sky wondering if it would be a boy or a girl.
Rosie brushed the hair out of her face and placed her glasses on. The world looked clearer with them on and but the thing that was the most clearest thing to her, with or without them, was her love for Severus. He was acting a little strange by distancing himself. Was he angry at her, or something? Not getting an answer, Rosie shrugged and headed to the shower. Maybe after the shower she could head for the Grand Hall for some food.
Rosie stepped in the shower and let the warm water run on her body. She closed her eyes as she let the steam soothe the cramps in her stomach and back. When her hair was wet enough, she began lathering shampoo in it. The scent of her shampoo always comforted her and had her headaches go away. Her thoughts flew to Severus and thought of how he was acting recently. Maybe she could get through to him somehow.
After rinsing the shampoo out of her hair, she smoothed conditioner through. The sweet odor was innocent and flowery. These soaps were Severus's favorite and he often told her he loved the scent of her hair and that it was his drug. Feeling a smile on her face, Rosie rinsed the conditioner out and turned the water off. She stepped out into the cold room and bundled a towel around her. After getting the towel around her, Rosie walked into hers and Severus's quarters and dried herself off.
Just as she placed the towel down, Severus walked in and sat down on the bed, stressfully running his fingers through his hair. Rosie eyed her husband at this uncharacteristic act of stress and rested a hand on his shoulders. He turned to look at her and sighed irritably. She chuckled, wondering if Harry corresponded with Severus saying how much he hated him.
"What's up, dear?" she asked.
"I'll tell you," he said, "when you get dressed." His eyes trailed down to her chest and he flushed.
Rosie looked down and made a dash to get dressed in some simple robes. She styled her hair into a bun and sat down next to Severus so their bodies were up against each other. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes peacefully. His cologne really smelled nice to her. Severus began massaging her shoulders to ease the tension in the pregnant woman's body.
"Now will you tell what's on your mind?" she asked, eyes still closed.
"Dumbledore has given me a mission," he said softly. "He wants me to…kill him."
Rosie's eyes flew open and she turned to look at him. "What?" she demanded sharply. "What did you say to that? What about Minerva?"
"I wanted to say no," he said regretfully, "but he didn't accept it. As for Minerva, he wants us to take care of her. She has this power engraved in her soul to help her beloved. Barmy old codger…" Severus trailed off, refusing to go into detail.
"Severus, what's really wrong?" asked Rosie, seriously eying her husband. "Tell me."
In a torrent of words, Severus poured out the truth of his past and everything that happened in his Death Eater past and promise to Lily. Rosie listened with tears in her eyes and couldn't say a thing. Words failed her because of how shocked she was. Poor Severus didn't even break down once but tears pooled his dark eyes. Instinctively, Rosie drew him to her heart and held him there once he was done. She kissed his head and rocked him comfortingly. He loved resting on her chest because of how soft it was. Severus refused to let the tears fall but he let himself be comforted by Rosie's presence and love.
"I'm sorry…" she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry! What else can I say, dear?"
"It doesn't matter," said Severus, lifting himself up to face her with finality. "I love you." He caressed her cheek with his hand gently.
"I love you too." She gave him a kiss and they sat there holding each other until they fell asleep. Rosie knew that the shadows hung thick over Severus's heart but she would always be there for him and to hold him whenever he needed it. That's what love was.